The Citrus Crash

I'm quite disappointed, really. I got so close to reaching my self set Ten Day goal. I had the willpower, I had the mental strength. The only thing lacking was the physical well being.

I woke up feeling so weak and low this morning that I contemplated going to hospital. Getting out of bed my legs felt like jelly and as I tentatively walked the few paces from my bedroom to the bathroom, I blacked out. There were sharp pains in my chest and I was having trouble breathing.

I'd had these symptoms throughout the week on more than one occasion. But last night they intensified like never before. I knew something was very wrong and that if I didn't make a smart decision, I would end up in the emergency room. On a drip.

My first bite of solid food consisted of half a banana mixed with Strawberry Danone Activia. I'd like to say it was a wonderful relief to eat again, but that would be a complete lie. The only thing running through my mind was the prospect of putting on weight. Or rather, the fear.

It's incredibly odd to eat two or three bites of something as measly as a yoghurt soaked banana and feel full. I can now identify with the many gastric by-pass patients I've seen in numerous weight loss programmes over the years.

At this point I can't imagine eating a full plate of solid food ever again. I can feel the food fill my stomach the instant I swallow a bit, immediately feeling bloated and heavy.

Ashamedly, I miss the familiar emptiness of the previous week.

It feels like I've eaten a feast today. All I've had is orange juice, pineapple chunks, soup, tea and a pretzel or two. My mam has been by my side every five minutes, checking up on me and offering me liquidized treats. Persistently reminding me to eat slowly and chew everything thoroughly. Something I am not about to contest.

I've never had a bad relationship with food. As long as I can remember I've been a healthy eater, always enjoying tucking in to a nice meal. If I want to lose weight I hit the gym hard, extreme dieting is never something I usually partake in. So to see myself develop the premature signs of an eating disorder, I feel disturbed. All it would take is a young girl infatuated with being slim to try this diet and become obsessed. Letting it spiral out of control.

Despite the fear of weight gain, despite not meeting my Ten Day Goal... Deep down I'm incredibly happy with the decision I've made. I want to be healthy, strong and full of life.

Risking my health just to fit into a smaller jean size? It's the most stupid thing I could ever have done and I would never advise anyone to try this diet.

Nine pounds in Eight days is an achievement of sorts.

I would have felt more fulfilled had I eaten nine chocolate cakes and put on ten.